Even in those early
days when I was holding my Christian faith strongly, I started getting many
doubts in it. The doubts appeared to be very genuine. But the answers I got for
those doubts, I felt, were pushing me off from my faith, nurtured from
childhood. That was making me feel very guilty. How can a half-wit in theology
like me can have such doubts in religion while many great theologians hold on
to the religion with so much faith? Even to enter into priesthood, a novitiate
has to learn nearly 10 years and they study so much in theology. For years all
clergy who study the religion so deeply, keep their faith intact. So I thought
I was making mistakes. I am not getting the right answers for my questions.
This was satisfying me for some years to keep me within the faithful lot. Then
the load of questions outgrew these excuses and very hesitantly I moved out of
my faith. However, it took me a long period, nearly 8 - 10 years to call myself
an atheist.
For anybody who had
been travelling like me in a road of doubts, questions and tribulations might also be shocked if they come to know
none other than Mother Teresa had lost her faith. For me it was a very big
shock. I read one or two of her quotes and found them so unbelievable. Then I
came to know the book where all her letters to her spiritual advisers had been
collected and published. The title of the book is "Come Be My Light",
The Private Writings of the "Saint of Calcutta" edited and commented
by Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk, M.C., 2007. Mother personally wanted her letters to
be burnt and request her spiritual guides to do so. However, I really wonder
how and why the Church compiled all of them and had brought them in a book. In
the book, we can find how Mother had her own questions and also greater pain over her own
loss of faith. It was an excruciating pain for her. She was in great love with
Jesus; but at the same time lost her faith.
For an ordinary person
like me religion could be, I used to compare it, just a shirt; but for an
established Christian like Mother or a priest, religion would be no more than a
shirt; it would be like a close skin or the deep heart. For me throwing a shirt
would be so simple. But for a great religious personality it would not be
possible. Especially for people who are identified in the society with their
religion, it should be a big hurdle. It may stand between them and the society.
They may not be able even to show their shaken faith openly. They are
pathetically in a strait jacket confining them within their own shell.
Mother had been writing
letters to her spiritual guides for 66 long years. Of these two persons are
very important. They are Ferdinand Perier and another Jesuit priest Celeste van
Exem. Though Mother had requested to burn all her letters since the content
were mostly about her and much less about Jesus. However all these letters were
compiled, edited and commented by Father Brian Klolodiejchuk. He was in
communiation with Mother from 1977 and he was heading the ministry started by
Mother. He was the one who took great efforts for the sainthood of Mother. He
had said that there were three things in the life of Mother that captivated him
.
Firstly, the very deep
love she had for Jesus and the deep concern she showed to the poorest of the
poor people. Secondly, the bleakness enshrouded her spirit, made her life dark
and bitter. Thirdly, even though her heart was so bitter with her feelings, she
bore them heroically and continued her service to people whole-heartedly.
ABOUT THE BOOK…
It was very shocking
to know that a great darkness was there in the mind of an ever-smiling
mother. One other surprising thing was
the Catholic Church was ready to publish all these letters even against the
request of Mother. Those letters reveal the inner world of Mother and how she
had this suffering for a very long period. The astonishing thing was her
patience and perseverance to carry on her noble work for the helpless inspite
of the heavy cross on her shoulders. She managed to keep afresh the care and
love for the poor and at the same time carry the heavy spiritual agony. This
makes her to stand out as a very rare and exceptional human being.
I had a very serious
introspection before adding this book in this chapter. I was worried whether
the verses in the book would pull down the stature of Mother from the minds of
the readers. However, I strongly felt this would only raise her stature. She is
and had been respected by everyone not because she is a Christian; but the love
showered on her was for her service to the poor and helpless. She assured a
peaceful end to many sick and suffering people. Hence she would become more
respectable even after knowing her spiritual dilemma. She kept those inner
turmoil within her and continued her services so devotedly.
In Hinduism the
Jeevathma (the spirit) keeps trying to reach the Brahmathma (the divine
spirit). The former goes through many obstacles before attaining
"Mukti". Andal and Meera are two such Jeevathmas trying to merge with
their gods through their piety. Like these Hindu stories, Mother had so much
love for her Jesus. Irrespective of her spiritual doubts she keeps the love for
Jesus and pleads Him to salvage her from the abysmal darkness. Loss of faith
did not make her leave Jesus. Anyway people like me do not have any such
barrier she had. My religious faith is just a like a shirt which they can
easily throw off; but it is "all" for her. She had to live with that.
In the following pages
I have given some selected excerpts from the book.
“If I
ever become a Saint…. I will surely be one of “darkness”. I will continually be
absent from Heaven -- to light the
light of those in darkness on earth”.
Mother Teresa. (230 & Back
cover)
“Darkness” … her companion
This letter to her confessor back in Skopje is
the first instance in a correspondence where Sister Teresa refers to the
“darkness”. …. In future this term would come to signify profound
interior suffering, lack of sensible consolation, spiritual
dryness, an apparent absence of God from her life, and, at the same
time, a painful longing for Him.(22)
18 3.53
The Thirst of Jesus crucified
A terrible darkness within
Disclosed
…. For there is such terrible darkness within
me, as if everything was dead. (149)
After two years of suffering in silence and with
only occasional and the vague differences to her interior state, Mother
Teresa at last revealed to Archbishop Perier the great pain that had been
tormenting her soul from the beginning of her mission with the poor. (150)
Mother Teresa again reported that my own
soul remains in deep darkness and desolation. (154)
“ A deep lonliness in my heart”
In January 1955, a little less than a year since
had last mentioned the darkness to Archbishop Perier, noted a new
element in her experience: deep loneliness. (157)
15.12.55
Despite her prayers
still her heart had sunk into darkness. She was not able to divulge this openly
to anybody. Nevertheless she opened to her spiritual guides. She asked them to
pray for her since everything had gone
meaningless to her. She had only blind faith; and that alone led her life from
her enshrouded darkness. Still she felt that she was in utter darkness.
Only that blind faith that carries me through.
pray for me… for within me
everything is Icy cold… It is only that blind faith that carries me
through for in reality to me all is darkness.(163)
letter to Father Picachy on July 3, 59
You have thrown away as unwanted -
unloved. I call, I cling, I want - and there is
No One to answer - No One on whom I can cling - no, No
One. Alone. the darkness is so dark - and I am alone.
and unwanted, and forsaken. The loneliness of the heart that wants
love is unbearable. where is my faith? - even deep down, right
in, there is nothing but emptiness and darkness - I have no faith -
so many unanswered questions live within me - I am afraid to uncover
them, because of blasphemy. If there be God - please forgive
me- I am told god loves me - and yet the reality of darkness and
coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. (187)
3.9. 59
Part of my confession today
In my soul I feel just that terrible pain of
loss - of God not wanting me - of God not being God - of God
not really existing (Jesus, please forgive my blasphemies - I have been told to
write everything)
if there be no god - that can be no soul.
- if there is no soul then Jesus - you are also not true. -
heaven, what emptiness - not a single thought of Heaven enters my
mind - but there is no hope.
I don't pray any longer - I
utter words of community prayers - … but my prayer of union is not there any
longer. - I no longer pray. - my soul is not one with You.(193)
Now father - since 49 or 50 This terrible sense
of loss - this Untold Darkness - this loneliness -discontinue
longing for God - which gives me that pain deep down in my heart. …
the place of God In my soul is blank -. there is no God in me. …
heaven - souls - why these are just words - which mean nothing to me. -
my very life seems so contradictory. I helped Souls - to go where?
- why all this? Where is the soul in my very being?(210)
How cold - how empty - how painful is my
heart.- Holy Communion - Holy Mass all the holy things of
spiritual life - of the Life of Christ in me - are also empty
- so cold - so unwanted. (232)
People say they are drawn closer to God -
seeing my strong faith. - Is this not deceiving people? Every time I have
wanted to tell the truth - “ that I have no faith” - the words just do
not come - my mouth remains closed. - and yet I still keep on
smiling at God and all. (238)
Pray for me, that I may not turn a
Judas to Jesus in this painful darkness. (144)
After 15 years of Darkness, she presented Father
Neuner with this description….
If there is hell - this must be one. How terrible is to be without God - no prayer - no faith - no love.. - The only thing that still remains - is the conviction that the work is His - that the Sisters & the brothers are His. - And I cling to this as the person having nothing clings to the straw - before drowning. - And yet Father - in spite of all these - I want to be faithful to Him - to spend myself for Him, to love Him not for what He gives but for what He takes - to be at His disposal. (250)
Even when she felt as
though she had lost her faith in God, she could not question the authenticity
of that experience. (259)
Mother Teresa's
uncompromising fidelity to prayer was one virtue that her sister had observed
back when she in Loreto. … "People were fascinated just watching Mother
pray. They would sit there and watching her be really drawn into this
mystery", one of the followers observed.
… little did they know that she had not enjoyed the fruits of that
intimacy for decades. ..
I don't pray any
longer. - I utter words of community prayers - and try my utmost to get out of
every word the sweetness it has to give. - But my prayer of union is not there
any longer - I no longer pray.- My soul is not one with You. (270)
Mother Teresa had
reached the point in her life when she no longer ventured to penetrate or
question the mystery of her unremitting darkness.(172)
Seeing people suffer horribly daily,Mother Teresa pondered, "how the people can suffer so much and never break?".
The same question could be put to her: How could she suffer so much and not break?(289)
"Father, I do realize that when I open my mouth to speak to the sisters and to people about God and God's work, it brings them light, joy and courage. But I get nothing of it. Inside it all dark and feeling that I am totally cut off from God". This sounded to me like pure John of the Cross.(306)
Normally people think
that saints might not have got any doubts in their faith. It may be true in St.
Francis de Sales, since he wrote in his autograph that he had never lived more
than 15 minutes without thinking of God. But many saints had experienced the
same desperate feelings of Mother. St. John of the Cross, a priest of Carmelite
society wrote a poem titled Dark Night of the Soul. This poem was about the tough
path one had to pass through to reach Almighty. During this it might have to
experience so many hardships. There could be series of question, doubts and so
on. Likewise, St. Therese of Lisieuss had written about how she had sunk into
darkness. Mother had lived in this confused mind from 1959 to 1997. This would
be a shocking thing to almost anybody. More than this it was brought to light
by the catholic church. No religion is
ready to take any leeway. It never encourages people to question on their own
faith. Contrary to thi, church has very openly come out with Mother's spiritual darkness. It is highly appreciable.
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